In the calm moments, I step back and worry, Am I doing enough to keep you safe, do you feel loved, supported, cared for confident? I, so concious of how my words and actions, can shape and break you, stutter here. Stumble over these words but like in every moment, the always of now, feelsContinue reading “Nature Nurture V1”
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The Dress
Of all the things to do, I needed to choose a dress. Classic, black. I didn’t even question if Mum would have wanted colour. Black. Sombre. Smart. “Don’t go buying anything new” her husband said, “Your mother has a wardrobe full of clothes you can wear” Did he really think I would wear one ofContinue reading “The Dress”
Fragile
Holding it all together with a shoestring, How can my boat take even more of a bettering, I’m drowing, keeping everyone else a float. The waves of grief are just the start of the storm, There is no calm in this all. I keep kicking, tired legs, bleary eyed, I keep kicking and when IContinue reading “Fragile”
The Hard Things
I did not realise how much I needed you for the hard things, Those uphill struggles are coming thick and fast, I thought there would be some grace, moments to catch my breath as I learn to surf the waves of maternal grief, But it is raining rocks and there is no shelter in theContinue reading “The Hard Things”
I Hope You Can Rest Now
You must have been so exhausted Mum. Doing everything for everyone before they thought to do it for themselves. How did you keep moving when the weight of our expectations, Lay curled at your feet, like a dog, blissfully unaware, Until you barked, Our incompetence, Draped around your neck. You wore it with pride somehow,Continue reading “I Hope You Can Rest Now”
Terminal
When confronted with death and an end of life journey, You may need to refocus beliefs that you might had formed and forgotten, or not had reason to define before or perhaps haven’t visited for a while. I had to dip into the mythology of nature worship, check in with different expressions and understandings. DeathContinue reading “Terminal”
Regrets and Similarities
{Quick write to tap into feelings:} I want you to know you are so loved, Mum. Want you to know that you deserved better, that I didn’t do enough, that every forgotten card, every lazy text, rushed, Was me Wrapped up in my own doings, usually for others, rarely for self, should have been forContinue reading “Regrets and Similarities”
My Mum is Dying
[Quick write: series of stolen journal moments to help me process my mothers cancer diagnosis] I am in the supermarket, doing normal things, Wrestling toddlers into tiny seats, Filling the trolley, All the fruits, enough fish to sink a ship, Pastries, meats, box juice, Things I don’t usually buy, but life is too short, right?Continue reading “My Mum is Dying”
I am too busy to die
I am far too busy, This, is more than an inconvenience, This monumental final voyage is more than an interuption, It is a cyclone, tearing through our homes, I am trying to grab and hold on, weight things down, Not knowing what will be lifted and lost, What will be left. The aftermath, a gapingContinue reading “I am too busy to die”
Mothering in company
Side by side We live and breathe the drudgeryHelp each to keep the boundaries,Safety fences,Moral codes There with wet wipes when it all explodes Routine queens and freestylers, mostly somewhere in between, Scatterers, stackers, filers, Bursting at the seams we live and learn side by side, Hearts bursting with humble pride, judging ourselves through eachContinue reading “Mothering in company”
Woke on No sleep 