I have fantasised about being a writer for so long; but when I wanted to postpone university to focus on writing, my Nana told me to go and do some living, get something to write about.

At that point, my cryptic A level poetry was about surviving rape (Nana had no idea) and experimenting with different forms. It was 1999 and the Internet and Yahoo chat rooms were the start of this, two decade long, ongoing experiment in social connection. I could access poetry forms at a speed that could keep up with my butterfly brain. I had little patience for libraries, so it’s ironic or maybe just a tonic, that I have dedicated swathes of my career to increasing young peoples’ library engagement. The Internet and digital revolution which has decreased attention spans since insurrection, was made for me. I was a child of the times.

I thought I was moving away from local stupid-know-nothings to niche pockets of down-with and clued-ups, as I traversed HipHop and RnB forums. Connecting with transatlantic people, catting for tip offs of incoming bangers and early releases whilst learning about the history and politics that interested me. Race wars and class struggle. In those earliest dalliances and dances with strangers online, I was seeking a tailored community, a safe space to both be honest and dishonest about things that were hard to talk about or that should be kept secret. It was here, online, with relative anonymity, (using the handle Chosen2B), I told my hard truth muddled with easy lies, inventing boyfriends, prospects and plans to soften the ugly. It took over a decade to understand truly how vulnerable I was at that time. My sugar Daddy, once an empowering, cash machine, lust affair which allowed me to play out wild lil Kim fantasies would be one of the hardest truths to unpack. I was 17. He was 26. It was grooming. He asked if I would have sex with his friends. I definitely said no. Money was offered. I still said no.

Platforms and templates have changed, but people grappling with their lives, still seek out community and solidarity online in 2022, as we did over 20 years ago.

So who am I now?

• I’m a mum, a feminist, a multiple miscarriage warrior, a survivor.
• I’m body posi, pro choice, pro black and flexing here by taking up space to do my thinking out loud.
• I’m convinced no one will read this.
• I’m hoping they do.

While I think the litany of bad judgements and poor taste that bought me here might be interesting, my big plan is to pull together all my research on miscarriage and how it impacts, mind, body, career – including my lived experiences and layout my road map for others to consider. I’m not a medic but when Drs told me repeatedly nothing could be done to help me fulfil my dream of becoming a parent biologically, I almost believed them, thankfully there was an inkling I had that wouldn’t let me rest.

5 consecutive miscarriages/losses at one NHS trust.

Surgery, medicine and monitoring —>

Two subsequent babies bought to full term.

Maybe I wasn’t just unlucky.

#babyloss #miscarriage #mumlife #rainbowwarrior #survivor #zerotohero #writer

As the toddler sleeps solidly in the next room, I remember that this time two years ago, I wasn’t sure I would ever become a proper Mum, one with a baby heavy in her arms instead of just her heart. But I made it to 38weeks and Alba arrived safely after years of grief and loss.

We made it through a pandemic somehow and then I found myself researching perinatal mental health, birth trauma, miscarriage, birth defect, post natal depression and anxiety whilst pregnant with what was to become my second living baby.

Knowing a new baby was on the way, I could feel the time bomb, a pressure growing, not just the one that had me wetting myself when I shouted the dog or coughed too hard, but a real pressure that we would have to leave the flat, leave London and find a new life. My partner was somewhat reluctant and so, after asking his boss for a pay rise, which his boss agreed to consider in six months time… I applied for better paid jobs outside of London. One dropped and it sounded too good to be true. He would be helping run a small but pricey landscaping business in the expensive south Manchester, East Cheshire suburbs. It was all going great but suddenly, the baby arrived and 5 weeks later, his new boss informed him that his work wasn’t to continue. It was a huge shock and a disappointment. We had spent thousands moving our lives for a role which transpired to be not only just mostly online, but also, very short lived. I found myself untethered, comforted by few constants – my family and the dream that it would be great if we could have a house this size in Hackney. A dream that has both comforted and tortured me for over a decade.

Looking for work, in a pandemic, while pregnant… Not stressful at all.

An avid disciple at the church of Drag Race, I ask myself in times of doubt, what would Ru do? Well, she wouldn’t let that inner saboteur get the better of her, that’s for sure. But as I sit here, 14 weeks pregnant, I can’t help but lament how badly this has all turned out. Maybe I am wrong to blame the five pregnancies that didn’t go to term for my career stalling but then, it really is hard to change jobs when you are trying for a baby and maternity pay seems so vital. I did move jobs and then I waited two years to qualify for maternity leave before trying again, only to have two more miscarriages, realise I hated my job and quit. There’s enough info on the gender pay gap out there, but I took a hit before I even became or knew if I would become a mum. Still, I focused on having a baby and finishing my Masters and took a two day a week, job in a library; telling myself I could pull my career around if I just worked hard enough.

But then the pandemic arrived when baby was just 5months old (yes, finally bought an angel earth-side). The job market became an even more precarious place. I tried though, applied for a good job and messed up the interview in a panic. Then a Headship came up at my workplace and I looked at the job spec and thought, yep, I ca do that. When told I hadn’t got the job, I was disappointed,

But the real kick to the crotch was not just being told that I didn’t demonstrate the depth of experience they were looking for but that they DIDN’T appoint and I was the best candidate they interviewed!

I knew there might be some politic, what with me attempting a double promotion from lowly part-time librarian (legit, one of the best jobs in the world) to senior leader, but why should that matter, I was good enough, why wasn’t that enough? In true tenacious Tedds style, I emailed the hiring team, pointing out that there was a business risk to not hiring and suggesting a secondment or part of the role as a project. This would mitigate their risk and develop me for the role. They claimed to be impressed and said they would look into a paid shadowing opportunity.

Then, the role is then re-advertised, they don’t tell me and I only find out via an external website. I’m pissed off but trying to stay positive. I ask if I can automatically be interviewed and they say they can use my existing app but I can’t secure an automatic interview. Cool. I ask them to resubmit, I meet with another Head of Hub (my former manager) and ask her for advice. She warns that she doesn’t know how I will manage with a little one as she has to work weekends and evenings and it’s not that she isn’t efficient. I’m deterred but feeling like I’d rather get it and turn it down, or just ride it out for a year (it was a £50k plus salary) while I tried to have another baby or at least get the experience on my C.V. Imagine the fat mat leave package? Cue more recruitment fuckery and eventually a process so inaccessible that it is going to cost me nearly £100 in childcare to interview. I declined the interview and focused on other opportunities, one of which I secured (expect stuff about perinatal mental health in future posts). Still the Head of Hub role is being covered by an interim and doesn’t seem to have been filled? I’m on to other things for a bit but that contract is only for a few more months. It’s now June and I’m still working two days in the library term time only alongside my research role and spot that the Head of Hub role is up AGAIN.

I email HR and the hiring manager and ask them to use my formerly submitted application. No reply. 7 days later, no reply. My bullshit radar is up but I’m trying to be congenial, I send them a nudging email ‘appreciating its a busy time of year’. 10 days later, still no reply. I call, finally get through to the HR guy and ask him what’s up. He says he is going into a meeting with the Directors now and will call me back this afternoon. Promise? Promise! Did he call me back? Did he heckers! Now I’m about 8 weeks pregnant and don’t know if the baby will stick or not but either way, this will be good if not for sanity, then for my career and all being well, my maternity but I’m being messed about. So I let rip on email, highlighting that as the deadline is looming, this is an obstruction of opportunity and beginning to feel like discrimination. Weirdly they replied that day and told me of course my application would be considered but they were rethinking this post altogether and might not actually interview.

Imagine how annoyed I would have been if I had had to write out a new application and they didn’t bother to shortlist. The lack of consideration for peoples time and energy is astounding but I see it all over the place. Repetitive and irksome person specs with 30+ criteria; they expect STAR answers even for £25k a year jobs but can’t be bothered to let you know when your application hasn’t been successful.

Many brilliant candidates are fatigued on entry, working two jobs, or studying and working, or working with caring responsibilities. What these archaic practices do, is make it easy for those with time and energy to succeed. But time, like money, is a resource and a privilege and my energy is being zapped knitting nails and bones together right now.

If they gave out money for striving I would be rich.

UPDATE:

I have an interview next week. I’m confident they wont give me the job as I’ve waved my trouble-maker flag, but still, interview practice is always useful and it’s no real trouble when it’s on company time.

#work #career #pregnancy #mumlife #pregnancyblog #workblog #leadership #recruitment #diversity