You must have been so exhausted Mum.
Doing everything for everyone before they thought to do it for themselves.
How did you keep moving when the weight of our expectations,
Lay curled at your feet, like a dog, blissfully unaware,
Until you barked,
Our incompetence,
Draped around your neck.
You wore it with pride somehow,
Like you were carrying a tired toddler and not a grown man,
Who managed to accomplish things when you weren’t there to do it all.
You have left them a bit broken,
All of us have healing to do.
Unlike them, I have to move through this bad mood,
Carrying them like suitcases with your name on,
Without a handle,
I do not begrudge you, how could I?
But no one is coming to rescue me.
This mess is spreading, spilled beads,
Tiny memories are jewels,
But some are sharp under foot,
Tasks and more tasks
I have enough to do.
I have two children under five, a house to move,
A life to make, without you and I wish you were here,
Making it easier in ways I didn’t even know or notice.
I will sob like a banshee at the moon every time I buy school uniform,
A ritual you didn’t fulfill
Despite you doing so much Mum
I want to complain but I don’t want to fall out,
You would understand,
Let me get it off my chest,
Offer some cheese bites, porkpie or biscuits,
Top my wine without asking,
Join in,
Recognising this particular brand of uselessness
Which you minded or didn’t depending on how the weather was
You never really rested.
Like me, the tasks help bat away the ill feeling,
Help take the record off scratch
Be still my ruminations
Let me spill them here and treasure them,
This is where we exist now,
Our relationship is one of grief,
I am still useless,
but you can finally rest
Woke on No sleep 